Thinking deep, then becoming aware of your thoughts, watching them go by as if you are a visitor in your own mind, now you can imagine a little bit of what I have gone through today.
With each passing day of being single, I am becoming slowly accustomed to it, slowly being seduced in this land where only I exist. There is no space for another, and if there is a space, it is definitely very small, maybe the size of a needle.
I have never gone out in search for a girl, I let them come and go. Before with my last ex, I found the problem was with me. Yes, she left me because she didn’t have the same feelings but now looking at it, she was more honest than I was. I was only attached to her because I began to love myself. I didn’t need her, I was falling out of love for her and she did me the biggest favour. But it took me a long time to understand this, I know it took long because I spent months trying to get her back. In the midst of all that, I explored and allowed my sex drive to take me places. It was successful. I had no commitment. But how long can you live without commitment before finding out that you need that companion. It doesn’t necessarily mean that she will be your girlfriend or wife, but just a friend that is willing to talk to you. I say ‘she’ because I find women more open. They have been oppressed for so many years that I feel they understand what I ‘cage’ inside of me. Also, they are driven by emotions, they are aware of their emotions and I love that.
I remember not long ago asking a girl out and I don’t think it went as fruitful as I thought it would. Somehow, a date got cancelled and it was never really made again. Do I feel anger towards the girl? My question is why should I? The poor girl probably doesn’t know how I feel. She probably thinks I have forgotten like those other guys. She may have moved on to someone else. But I was never hers in the first place. Someone told me that I should question the girl but why should I? She has done nothing wrong and if she has gone with someone else then I am happy. I am content because in these past few days, I have fallen in deeper love with my own self. Not in an egoistic sense but a spiritual sense.
This is the problem of many guys out there. They feel that rejection is the end-all. I don’t believe it is. I don’t even think that poor girl I asked for a date has rejected me. In fact, me and her probably have more comfortability because I am understanding. Normal guys do not understand. For some reason, they feel that they have been betrayed. If someone is not yours then there is no betrayal. And no one can ever betray you anyway because no one will ever be yours. Betrayal is in the psychological mind. I will talk more on the psychological mind of betrayal on another date.
In fact, what I can say is that now there is comfortability within myself and own self. I feel that I don’t need to be in a relationship. The need of sex is necessary and obviously I am open to that. Why should I ignore or repress my sexual needs? But one does not need to be in a relationship for that. I just want to feel a connection that is all. It does not have to be sexual either. I just need a connection. I have a few friends, very few friends who I feel a connection with. With whom I show my true self to. And I am not a great person, I am full of flaws and contradictions! I can’t promise you that what I write tomorrow will support what I write today. It may be different. This is the beauty of being your own self.
My friend today asked if I am writing ‘Rahulism’. Of course. I am my own being, if you like me, then you follow ‘Rahulism’. But mark my words, what I write is not profound and it is nothing new. It has been shared many of times by other people. But those people were ignored, now it is my turn to make sure they are eventually heard.
Stay blessed with compassion,
Rahul N Singh