‘I can’t love anybody else as much as I love myself. But I can’t help seeing myself in everyone. If anyone loves me then I am loving the love that they have for me, not the person.’

A rather weird statement for anybody to say but I not only say it but I live it. For the past 3 years I have been single, had a dab in dating and living the life of a ‘bohemian’. What can I say about dating? Nothing much because nothing much came out of it. But I respect each woman that I dated because I saw something special in them. That is an honest truth. I don’t date anybody and neither do I allow people into my life. This is the problem that everyone has had with me and that is to know what it is like to live with me 24 hours a day. I may be in your presence for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year but I will always remain a stranger. The reason for this is rather simple because I just do not want to be labelled as one thing.

One of the things that people always question is my sexuality. Not that I like talking about my sex life but it does amaze me why my sexuality is always the highlight of any discussion with me. I must admit that I have an obvious feminine side but I can say that is due to the strong affection and love that I have towards women. I feel anybody that really loves women is more leaned towards their feminine side than the average male. However, even homosexuals are stereotyped in being ‘soft and very feminine’ but this leads us to two types of feminine males. One that indulges in the sexual preferences that a woman has – which would be the homosexual. The other that just enjoys the company of women, someone who is infatuated by women and their ways. Their mysterious behaviour only makes the feminine male more mysterious. I am that kind of feminine male. Women! If there is a God, then I praise God to no end for creating such grace, for blessing us with such elegance in what otherwise would be a dark and miserable world. So these two types of feminine males either way glorify the female. Then the female homosexuals – well they are on the right track because they see why women are the best! How can a heterosexual man detest female to female love? I have nothing against homosexuality as it does not affect me. It never has. I guess I have stopped judging. I don’t know why. I should judge?! Isn’t judging the only way to express opinion? Or do I sometimes indulge in the act of judging to see the reactions from the people around me. I should stop being curious but the artist in me needs inspiration all the time. It needs absurdities and if something I say or do provokes that then I shall.

I love women and I wish I could explain why I do in a rational and logical discussion. However, how can you describe something or reason something that will always feel inadequate? I always feel that I can never do justice to explain the sensation I get when I am at Birmingham  New Street Station seeing the sea of beautiful women swarm around the station radiating with pure intoxicating heavenliness. That is the thing about loving another and that is the freedom it brings. Although, I do try to refrain from saying such things about my ex-girlfriends but the experience of being with them all have only added strength to my character. Yes, at a time I felt weak but I felt weak because I failed to comprehend the strength they had placed in front of me.

Such is the disappointment when a woman doesn’t even have the same feeling as you do but who says that love belongs to one or the other? When did love ever differentiate? Isn’t it us with our physical attraction towards a certain female that forces us to label someone with love. Is it not that some women are just able to reflect the love you have deep in your soul? Some women are able to show you that you are capable of loving and that the love you give them is the love you have for your self. It is true that once you lose the one you love that you seem to lose love with one self. When you lose the one you love to someone else then doesn’t it make you feel sick? How could she leave you for him? That pang of jealousy that hits our mind and then influences our behaviour. Our ego is hurt and the only way to cure the pain is to insult her. Either we insult her directly or we bed a few women to show she is not worth the trouble. The problem is that we blame the women for the trouble when the trouble is our own expectations and perceptions for how things are to be. I sometimes wonder that how would I feel seeing one of my ex girlfriends married to someone else. Would I attend their marriage? The answer always seems to be a healthy ‘No’! Then I think to myself ‘They were  never mine. So instead I am going to dance and thank her for letting me go.’ Why would I dance is the question? The fact is I could have been bounded into this stupid contract of marriage. I would be dancing at the absurdity of the decision. Who needs society’s approval for love? Is your relationship so little that it needs external approval? If you have love’s approval, the internal approval then marriage is a useless tool.

Maybe I see a new way instead of marriage. I see occasions where people will host many parties just to celebrate love or the love they have for each other. If it really is about show and approval then do it all the time. Why just once? It should be celebrated many times with so much joy and happiness. Marriage is a silly idea too. I mean come on, let us not fool ourselves. We cheat. Men when are we ever loyal? Yeah, right now you are like this idiot thinks he knows it all but my ego is never going to allow him to be right. Just accept it that you love many women. Love has no control over quantity but you do have control over the quality. The same goes with women. Do you really feel that one person will satisfy you when there is like millions, sorry, billions of men out there for you?

I guess it is all about morals that really have empty meanings. Religions tell us to remain loyal to one. Not a bad thing but either you remain loyal to one woman/man or you remain loyal to love. The only way to really make marriages work is to be married with love and not the person. Nobody is your property because at the moment, they are not even property of themselves. Only a few can say that they do whatever they want. You will have the  fraudsters who claim a free life but follow the very idiotic morals that keep society in control.

Wow, my thoughts were rolling out today. I guess I have a lot more to say. But there is enough to read. Many one liners for some to take. Enjoy the mystery of love and marry love!

Rahul N Singh

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