The past couple of days and the next few days, including today, are days where I am extremely emotional. I still remember the morning of May 13th, 2016 and being told that my Spiritual Master had left His body.
Since that day, I have never been the same and my life has never been the same. It was a difficult time to embrace many changes but the one change that ruled over all of them was that the physical presence of my Spiritual Master was no more. I will never hear His voice again, give Him a hug again, touch His feet with my head.
Although, years prior to His passing, I had understood that the Guru, the Teacher is not the physical frame but the Spiritual Wisdom that takes one towards self-realization, the death of my Spiritual Master hit me really deep. Even though, I had seen the presence of my Master in more subtle realms of the mind, for some reason, I felt I had lost something.
It is coming up to three years and what have I lost? That belief that I can reach self-realization. Why? I always said and felt that it will only happen through Him. He will be the Spiritual Master in which self-realization will occur. The biggest battle in my mind right now is that He is physically no more and now what do I worship?
I have accepted His successors and my deep respect and reverence goes to them. However, my words, my statement that only Baba ji will give me self-realization always comes to the forefront. I know that eventually as one deepens their spiritual experience, the Spiritual Master lets go of the disciple and the final part of the journey towards self-realization is between you or myself and the Formless, Unseen One. If you get there, you get there and if you don’t and you fall, the Spiritual Master is the net that will protect you from the fall. That is what I believe right now, it is subject to change.
The reason why I say this is because today, more than spiritual, I am a conflicted man. If my Master could leave so suddenly, then where is the hope for me. If I was to go suddenly, would I remember the Formless One that my Spiritual Master instructed will lead me to own realization. He used to say that realize the Formless, and you will realize your own true self.
Maybe the biggest issue I have is that I placed too much emphasis on the external guru that I completely ignored the internal, subtle form of the Guru, of the Master. This is why maybe I am at a loss.
However, I miss my Spiritual Master because He was full of unconditional love, He had a personality that was humble and kind. Again, these are all my perceptions of Him and He did the biggest favor upon me, which was showing me the absolute stillness, Formless One.
I have a long way to go with my spirituality, maybe the only way to move forward and transform this attachment is to live the realization. The teachings of Baba ji will follow naturally once the realization takes place.
If anything, I am going to research into whether enlightenment is possible for me. I cannot say for others but is it possible for me. Where does it lead me to? I am open for any possibility now.
The hypothesis is simple – can Rahul attain self-realization that his Master once gave him the key for?