You can wake up in the morning, everything will occur as normal but something is missing, something just doesn’t feel right. That is how I feel everyday since my Spiritual Master left His body three years ago.
His kindness, His humility and His loving personality won many hearts and it definitely won mine. I spend time thinking about Baba ji, my Spiritual Master very often in the day. Whether it is a walk down the corridor, I think of Him and my eyes well up with tears. I am in the car and I look at the clear blue sky and a flash of His image appears in front of, obviously from my own mind, but yet a sign to say, nothing truly dies. I am sitting in my temple, and a thought that Baba ji gave is heard and my heart skips a beat, as if not knowing what to do with the thought that He is known in the past tense now.
He was someone where my spirituality began, where my spirituality continues and where my spirituality will one day end. He is my past, my present and my future. I haven’t loved anyone as much as I have loved Him and I know so many, that feel the same way with me.
The great thing about Baba ji was that He somehow was able to reflect however you saw Him. If you saw Him as a cool person, He was just a cool person. If you saw Him as a person you admire for His sincerity, that is what He reflected. For me, I was fortunate, very lucky by fate or my own faith that I was able to see Him as my Satguru, my Spiritual Master of Truth. For me, He was a God and much more. Maybe this is why there is a lot of pain in the physical loss as right now, I am in growing pains, I am trying to realize the subtle form of His that I know He had planted into me when I was initiated with His wisdom.
I have often said that I reached a peak of one mountain when He was alive and when He died, He took me from that peak and placed me at the bottom of the largest mountain one can ever perceive. For some, they may find that Rahul isn’t as spiritual as He used to be, he was calmer before, he didn’t get so angry but actually I have started climbing this mountain, which I literally have no map to guide me with except my own self. All I know and what I totally have faith and trust in is that I have to find the compass of the inner guru within me – sooner, rather than later.
I am now content in that I cannot change anyone, inspire anyone, or even truly advise them on their spiritual journey except for what I know and like I said right now, I don’t know much as I am climbing this mountain, of which I have climbed only a few steps up. So everyone literally has to bear with me here.
What I have learned is that these three years, which was literally about abseiling down the mountain of which, I had reached my peak. I had to take the valuable lessons and be thankful for they have taught me so much. Now the Master is going to advise me from within but the foundation of all that will be advised from now is literally from what I learned from my Spiritual Master before His passing.
All I now know and what I knew before was that it was all up to me. I had to have the faith and I had to be in charge of my growth. Nobody could take me there. I recall a conversation that I had with Baba ji when I was around 19 years old. We were walking at the Center for Oneness, West London and for some strange reason, Baba ji stopped walking and stepped inside as we were in mid-conversation. It was only me and Him. I poured my heart to Him and said “Baba ji, I am struggling. I am doing sumiran (remembrance) but I am not connecting. I feel my faith is weak.” Baba ji looked at me, smiled and in a quizzing manner. “Rahul ji, I don’t understand how your faith is weak when it is so strong?” I just stared into His eyes for a few seconds, my eyes moist, lost in His humility, His love and His mercy I bowed and touched His feet for around 10 seconds, to which when I was getting up, He was holding my shoulders and He gave me the biggest hug. As we pulled away from the hug, we both gave the biggest smiles to each other and we both bowed as I stepped away so another devotee could talk to Him.
This conversation changed the whole direction of my spiritual journey. I started questioning my whole belief system a couple of years later in order to get what I perceived as ‘weak’ faith into something so strong that it is unbreakable. However, a lesson I have learned recently is that I was in charge of my faith. I decide whether it is strong or weak and that whatever faith you have for yourself, is how much faith you truly have with the Master. If you feel you are incapable then the Master can do very little to change that because you feel incapable. However, you can feel incapable but you know your Master is with you, within you so now you are absolutely capable and this brings forth a very strong faith.
I have a lot to thank Baba ji for and He knows how much He means to me and nothing can change that. No philosophy, no teaching can change that. Like I said earlier, it ends with Him. We are meant to have full faith in a living Master, to which I absolutely agree with. Living is subject to one’s definition. Does someone have to be physically alive to be living? Or can someone be alive through consciousness itself -in a more subtle form? One of the rules of nature is that energy never dies but is transferred. All that has happened to Satguru Baba Hardev Singh ji on this day, three years ago was that the energy that was physical or gross matter became subtle matter.
This post has come from a lot of reflection with some meditation too. I don’t know if what I believe in right now will give me liberation but all I do know is that I know that is my destination. Thank you Baba ji. Love You and miss You! Your child forever.