Jealousy has no place in any relationship

It is interesting at how you, the individual, is at the center of the world and then you are married/long-term relationship and the center grows, you have children and the center grows more.  Eventually, you realize that you are there to serve the others to support the center. However, what happens when jealousy and self-centered behavior creeps in? What happens to those relationships?

Jealousy is damaging in any relationship and sometimes we do not even realize how childish we can be when we moan about what other people are doing and why aren’t we given the same respect or why aren’t we invited to the same party etc. The resentment that grows ends up affecting our relationships and no matter how one may act in front of the person they are jealous of, the subtle energy of intention will always creep in, and the vibe is always felt.

When we are in a relationship, we do retain some individuality and that is healthy. We cannot be at the complete beck and call of the other. However, if we are so stubborn that we think the other person, our partner must do what we say and must act upon what we want them to do then that relationship will not last. It will decay and when resentment is felt once then it’s hard to get rid of them. Sometimes, the remarks we make about our relationships hint upon the resentment that is felt deep within. No matter, what someone may say on the surface, the words mention normally have an iota of truth.

Sometimes I joke around and my wife does get a little upset because my comments may portray a feeling that I have not expressed to her. She is damn right to be upset and I may try to pacify her with that it’s a joke but she knows jokes very well, especially mine. My jokes always have a deeper meaning to them. I have slowly learned that I have to express to my wife my feelings and it is hard for an introvert like me but I have got much better. If I need to address something then I will try and solve it that night but it’s always my wife that looks to resolve things before I do.

I truly look up to my wife because of the way she views things and even if I don’t agree with her (which I express), we always leave things on a positive note. The most important thing for me is to never make the relationship about me but about us and it’s easy to make it about me – my feelings, my intentions, my wants and needs, my desires and really things flow much more smoothly when I change the ‘my’ to ‘our’.

Even if our wants, desires and so on need to merge together, sometimes they simply will not and that is okay. It means for the sake of our relationship, it isn’t necessary. Frankly, the relationship comes first because our happiness is tied to it, yet free from it too.

Poem: Reflection

reflection-017In a reflective mood tonight,
To check where I am at the end of 2016,
Another year has whizzed by,
With it blessings and losses,
The blessing is my marriage,
The loss is the Guru that I loved more than anything,
Snatched away in a moment,
Without a glimmer of hope of survival,
The One whom I still feel is alive
Would appear lifeless in the month of May.

I want to say that this year has been great,
But that would be a lie,
The aloneness I feel is not ordinary,
It seems like I have been forced into it,
I have had the aloneness look at me,
And I give in to it and the darkness is embraced.
Then I have a beautiful wife,
Who is like an angelic light
Who whispers to me that I am never alone,
And I smile and feel okay on the surface,
With the Light entering the roots of my mind eventually.

The tears that I shed contain my sadness and happiness,
The joys of being with someone who reminds me of Him,
Then the sadness of realising He is no longer here,
Although the presence of our Satguru is everywhere,
It can never be destroyed or even created,
It is transferred in every moment,
From one cell to one universe,
It is difficult to not be able to hear a response,
To have a hug and forget my troubles,
To have that one glance where our eyes meet,
I will know in that instance that God is here,
And I miss this interaction more and more everyday.

I may be lost today and trying to find my feet,
I may try to live in a reality where You are here,
Baba ji, it is not easy being without You,
For me a Guru is never born nor dies,
That is why I cannot understand this ‘death’,
You are aliveness and Fullness,
You are Formless and Boundless,
You are the Soundless Sound,
You are the Gateless Gate,
In 2017 this is what I need to reawaken,
I know where I am failing,
And that is where I will be picking myself up,
2016 has been a lesson not a defeat,
And 2017 will be lessons learned.

rahulnsinghpoetry

Marriage – What is it good for?

marriage3
The one thing that I am questioned about as I am now into my late twenties is when are you going to get married? Sometimes you get the curious look if I bat on the other side or I am not interested in marriage at this moment. I see marriage as a great form of relationship but my issues with it are personal and it is the idea of what marriage brings that disturbs me.

One is that you have to be settled. I don’t know what settled means and there is not one married couple I know that are ‘settled’. Either it is a career progression, a mortgage, a child or even infertility; something always keeps them on edge. It always keeps them feeling that somehow the picture is still incomplete.

I have never believed in the idea of being settled, it doesn’t make much sense. In a world where coaches and motivational speakers tell you that life is about adventure and wonder, I do wonder whether marriage fits into that agenda. Being settled is not adventurous at all.

In a world, where a swipe to the right can match you to a great potential, it is still filled with an egotistical sense of acceptance. It is not easy being a guy or a girl, to date and get to know each other on apps like Tinder and Plenty of Fish. Having experimented on them for a few months, I would like to say they are redundant. People will reject you before they have met you. A message can never replace the tone of your voice, your body language and facial expressions. Go mad with your emoticons or emojis but none do justice to the real life nuances.

Where is the dating world going to evolve to? Will the globalisation end up shrinking into an abyss and now you will most likely date someone in your own community? Will it go back to arranged dates made by family or friends? Where is it going to go?

Personally, I haven’t said no to marriage but what are my apprehensions? One is losing the ability and availability of being alone. I love the times I am alone as it allows me to reflect, self analyse and just be with myself. I give a lot of my energy to others as it is right now, but we all need that space. Marriage can provide this space but the partner has to be in tune with this, otherwise it is definitely going to create trouble. Another is meddling in-laws or parents. No matter how great your parents are the reality is that they have made many mistakes and they never tell you what they have learned. Instead, to distract themselves from their issues, they will tell you about what marriage is like. I say take no advise from anyone, just observe. Observing others is the best way to learn. If before your marriage, you find that your potential in-laws are being too overwhelming, you are in for a ride if you do get married. What about my independence? I love the fact I can go where I want, be with who I want and not have the judgment of others peering over my head. I am all for marriage if my wife is able to provide that and I respect that she deserves the same independence that I do.

This great institution is slowly evolving and co-habitation seems to be on the rise. I like this idea. You should live with someone for a few months before you decide on getting married. The reason for this is simply that we are more intolerant and very picky about our wants and needs. We have a way of life and we don’t want that changed. Therefore, living with each other in the beginning is a good test. In Indian culture this is a mad thing to say but it is a must. We need it just as much as any other culture. We have rising divorce rates and still out-dated views about those who have divorced. I can’t see how co-habitation or live-in relationships are wrong, it is the next best thing.

The other issue with marriage today is the commercialisation. Simplicity has been thrown out the roof and now it is about who can have the most lavish wedding, or who has the best food, or who has the best alcohol served. It has become an event that has lost its holy sanctity for some commercial insanity. Each wedding is competing with the other. The best jewellery set, what did your in-laws give you. The dowry tradition may be condemned but it has taken many other forms. I love simplicity. I don’t want the lavishness. I know a girl dreams about her wedding day and I am bound to meet in the middle, however my view is simple. The best marriages are the simple ones – and sadly hardly anyone follows this rule today.
Am I ready for marriage? It is a question that seems to have no right answer.

Is anyone ready?

I don’t know what that means.

I can’t see myself married anytime soon and yet, I have no control over the next moment so anything can happen. Life has its own journey and I am going with the flow with it.

I leave with a famous Quote from Osho:
“I have never heard about any perfect marriage. They say perfect marriages are made in heaven. Nobody comes back from there so maybe it is true, but what kind of marriage will those perfect marriages be?

There will be no tension, there will be no individuality in the man or in the woman. They will never collide, they will never fight. They will be too sweet to each other. And too much sweetness brings diabetes!”

Love
Rahul