In a reflective mood tonight,
To check where I am at the end of 2016,
Another year has whizzed by,
With it blessings and losses,
The blessing is my marriage,
The loss is the Guru that I loved more than anything,
Snatched away in a moment,
Without a glimmer of hope of survival,
The One whom I still feel is alive
Would appear lifeless in the month of May.
I want to say that this year has been great,
But that would be a lie,
The aloneness I feel is not ordinary,
It seems like I have been forced into it,
I have had the aloneness look at me,
And I give in to it and the darkness is embraced.
Then I have a beautiful wife,
Who is like an angelic light
Who whispers to me that I am never alone,
And I smile and feel okay on the surface,
With the Light entering the roots of my mind eventually.
The tears that I shed contain my sadness and happiness,
The joys of being with someone who reminds me of Him,
Then the sadness of realising He is no longer here,
Although the presence of our Satguru is everywhere,
It can never be destroyed or even created,
It is transferred in every moment,
From one cell to one universe,
It is difficult to not be able to hear a response,
To have a hug and forget my troubles,
To have that one glance where our eyes meet,
I will know in that instance that God is here,
And I miss this interaction more and more everyday.
I may be lost today and trying to find my feet,
I may try to live in a reality where You are here,
Baba ji, it is not easy being without You,
For me a Guru is never born nor dies,
That is why I cannot understand this ‘death’,
You are aliveness and Fullness,
You are Formless and Boundless,
You are the Soundless Sound,
You are the Gateless Gate,
In 2017 this is what I need to reawaken,
I know where I am failing,
And that is where I will be picking myself up,
2016 has been a lesson not a defeat,
And 2017 will be lessons learned.
The one thing that I am questioned about as I am now into my late twenties is when are you going to get married? Sometimes you get the curious look if I bat on the other side or I am not interested in marriage at this moment. I see marriage as a great form of relationship but my issues with it are personal and it is the idea of what marriage brings that disturbs me.
One is that you have to be settled. I don’t know what settled means and there is not one married couple I know that are ‘settled’. Either it is a career progression, a mortgage, a child or even infertility; something always keeps them on edge. It always keeps them feeling that somehow the picture is still incomplete.
I have never believed in the idea of being settled, it doesn’t make much sense. In a world where coaches and motivational speakers tell you that life is about adventure and wonder, I do wonder whether marriage fits into that agenda. Being settled is not adventurous at all.
In a world, where a swipe to the right can match you to a great potential, it is still filled with an egotistical sense of acceptance. It is not easy being a guy or a girl, to date and get to know each other on apps like Tinder and Plenty of Fish. Having experimented on them for a few months, I would like to say they are redundant. People will reject you before they have met you. A message can never replace the tone of your voice, your body language and facial expressions. Go mad with your emoticons or emojis but none do justice to the real life nuances.
Where is the dating world going to evolve to? Will the globalisation end up shrinking into an abyss and now you will most likely date someone in your own community? Will it go back to arranged dates made by family or friends? Where is it going to go?
Personally, I haven’t said no to marriage but what are my apprehensions? One is losing the ability and availability of being alone. I love the times I am alone as it allows me to reflect, self analyse and just be with myself. I give a lot of my energy to others as it is right now, but we all need that space. Marriage can provide this space but the partner has to be in tune with this, otherwise it is definitely going to create trouble. Another is meddling in-laws or parents. No matter how great your parents are the reality is that they have made many mistakes and they never tell you what they have learned. Instead, to distract themselves from their issues, they will tell you about what marriage is like. I say take no advise from anyone, just observe. Observing others is the best way to learn. If before your marriage, you find that your potential in-laws are being too overwhelming, you are in for a ride if you do get married. What about my independence? I love the fact I can go where I want, be with who I want and not have the judgment of others peering over my head. I am all for marriage if my wife is able to provide that and I respect that she deserves the same independence that I do.
This great institution is slowly evolving and co-habitation seems to be on the rise. I like this idea. You should live with someone for a few months before you decide on getting married. The reason for this is simply that we are more intolerant and very picky about our wants and needs. We have a way of life and we don’t want that changed. Therefore, living with each other in the beginning is a good test. In Indian culture this is a mad thing to say but it is a must. We need it just as much as any other culture. We have rising divorce rates and still out-dated views about those who have divorced. I can’t see how co-habitation or live-in relationships are wrong, it is the next best thing.
The other issue with marriage today is the commercialisation. Simplicity has been thrown out the roof and now it is about who can have the most lavish wedding, or who has the best food, or who has the best alcohol served. It has become an event that has lost its holy sanctity for some commercial insanity. Each wedding is competing with the other. The best jewellery set, what did your in-laws give you. The dowry tradition may be condemned but it has taken many other forms. I love simplicity. I don’t want the lavishness. I know a girl dreams about her wedding day and I am bound to meet in the middle, however my view is simple. The best marriages are the simple ones – and sadly hardly anyone follows this rule today.
Am I ready for marriage? It is a question that seems to have no right answer.
Is anyone ready?
I don’t know what that means.
I can’t see myself married anytime soon and yet, I have no control over the next moment so anything can happen. Life has its own journey and I am going with the flow with it.
I leave with a famous Quote from Osho:
“I have never heard about any perfect marriage. They say perfect marriages are made in heaven. Nobody comes back from there so maybe it is true, but what kind of marriage will those perfect marriages be?
There will be no tension, there will be no individuality in the man or in the woman. They will never collide, they will never fight. They will be too sweet to each other. And too much sweetness brings diabetes!”
Question: Yesterday, you talked about why people should have children but why do you personally want children? Don’t you think the world is suffering enough with the growing number of orphans and also burdened with over-population?
Answer: The world is burdened but not me. I am not the world and that leaves me absolutely free. Now, saying that I have answered the majority of your question. The growing number of orphans are simply the fault of those that oppose contraception. Those that oppose contraception are the very people against abortion but they don’t see the common sense that they are causing the abortion. They condemn contraception and give birth to abortion. I am neither pro-abortion nor against abortion. I am not going to judge anybody for giving birth or not giving birth. Each to their own. Who am I to interfere? Everyone is responsible for their own actions. The world has a problem with the number of orphans and I hope that someday I can build an orphanage for those children.
Not only that, your first question is a massive link to the orphans. I personally want children because there is an inner calling within me to eventually become a father. Now, one must understand that when I say father that it is not restricted to just children of my own blood. I am not interested in giving out my genes or my inheritance. Remember, I do not even want to get married and if marriage happens it happens. I want to father a child who is an orphan as it is. I am looking at adopting a daughter because I have never had a sister and I think the lack of consistent females in my life, there is a longing to have a daughter. I wish I could explain why because I could explain why if it was a desire to have a child but it isn’t. I simply know it is what is needed for me. Even if I have my own children, of my own blood then of course I am open to that.
However, the issue should never be why we want children but how we want to bring our children. This is where the main problem is. I want my children to be brought up with complete freedom. They do not need to answer me or give me any reasoning for their acts. It is a simple experiment that I want to try. I don’t want to force my children into education, into religion, into society, into culture, into family or anything that could restrict their freedom. All they need to do is do as they wish. The question I am always asked that ‘What would you do if your daughter has sex at 14?’ It is a question that I get all the time as if it is meant to catch me out. My reply is always a simple “If my daughter has had sex then why should I condemn her? She has already done the act and I am going to punish her? How is she going to trust me? How is she going to see me as a friend? How can she be open as a daughter to me? She will always be in fear and what is the point? If your upbringing of the child is going to be about fear then don’t have children at all. Don’t be a Hitler, a Stalin or any other type of dictator with your children. My daughter has done the act and all I am going to comment on is the act but I will not condemn, judge or speak ill of my daughter. Even with the act, it is about precautions and guidance. If I tell her not to do something then she will definitely do it so what is the point? I can create barriers around things to try and stop her but I will never stop her directly. If my children want to know something then I should be able to answer it straight away for them. If they have asked a question then that means they are mature enough to take in the answer. I cannot stop my children from anything and if I do then they can stop calling me dad.”
The issue is the upbringing and I am there for the orphans too. I will do my best to be there for them and do as much as I can for them. My love is always with them and my strength and strong will is spread to them too. My reasons for having my own children is simple enough that I just want to be a father. I want to experiment and see that if I give my children absolute freedom that they can be the best human beings that the world desperately needs. I have seen the way society is today and I can say that children fighting for freedom is only resulting in conflict. There is no need for the conflict because parents can give freedom. Just think of the time you were children. Maybe my experiment will be wrong and I don’t like to say experiment but it is the closest word I can use. If anyone is going to suffer with the consequences will be mine. I don’t think my family share my sentiments with children. I want them free from religion and spirituality for as long as I can. Only if they ask about it then I should answer their questions. My family are a practicing hindu family and I am not a practicing hindu and neither do I want to call myself a hindu. I am a Nirankari and even then I don’t want my children to be brought up as a Nirankari. I want them to find their own truth and if we share the same paths then brilliant. If not then it is still brilliant. Hence, I think I will find it hard to get married because will a woman accept this in practice? Therefore, my wish is to have children first and then consider marriage. We have Freedom is the answer and I want them to enjoy freedom as much as possible.
Love and blessings,
Rahul N Singh
Download free e-book: https://rahulnsingh.com/e-book/
Question: Rahul, you have always spoken against marriage but doesn’t that imply you are against love?
Answer: A lovely question by a friend on Twitter. I have opposed the idea of marriage for the past two years. In fact, I have even told my parents that I do not want to get married. It scares them as it should do. However, your question is implying that I have always spoken against marriage and that is not true at all. The truth is I am for marriage that are created out of love. If a couple feel that they are still in love just like the early days and they want to show their world their devotion then there is nothing wrong with that.
I am against marriages that are done against your own will. You can say that with arranged marriages your love can grow for your wife or husband and that is possible. Most marriages, especially the arranged ones are against one’s will. A marriage is an agreement but for some reason only the parents agree but not the poor children. The parents are not happy with each other but they force their children to marry. They don’t do this because they hate their child. They do this because they fail to understand the mess they are continuously creating. However, some arranged marriages have proven to be good decisions but who wants to take that one in a million chance.
I am definitely not against love. I love love. In fact, I am so much into love that every girl I date, I love her. In Arabic literature, there are 7 shades of love and one of them is attraction. You date someone that gives you an initial attraction and I am in love with that girl even if it is an attraction. An attraction is one stage and you can go deeper but both of you have to agree. What I am against is people marrying just so society has to accept their relationship. Love for you at one time was in the air and now it is on paper. You can see why I am against it. When it is on paper – it is the end. The problem is not with the paper that kills it, it is the people that kill it. They become reliant on the paper and they forget that their love is in the air and that the energy of love is still flowing around them. You don’t need anyone’s stamp of approval but if it makes you happy to marry then do it.
I am not against marriage and I am certainly not against love. I am in love with love and if my love accepts marriage then I accept it.
Rahul N Singh
Thinking deep, then becoming aware of your thoughts, watching them go by as if you are a visitor in your own mind, now you can imagine a little bit of what I have gone through today.
With each passing day of being single, I am becoming slowly accustomed to it, slowly being seduced in this land where only I exist. There is no space for another, and if there is a space, it is definitely very small, maybe the size of a needle.
I have never gone out in search for a girl, I let them come and go. Before with my last ex, I found the problem was with me. Yes, she left me because she didn’t have the same feelings but now looking at it, she was more honest than I was. I was only attached to her because I began to love myself. I didn’t need her, I was falling out of love for her and she did me the biggest favour. But it took me a long time to understand this, I know it took long because I spent months trying to get her back. In the midst of all that, I explored and allowed my sex drive to take me places. It was successful. I had no commitment. But how long can you live without commitment before finding out that you need that companion. It doesn’t necessarily mean that she will be your girlfriend or wife, but just a friend that is willing to talk to you. I say ‘she’ because I find women more open. They have been oppressed for so many years that I feel they understand what I ‘cage’ inside of me. Also, they are driven by emotions, they are aware of their emotions and I love that.
I remember not long ago asking a girl out and I don’t think it went as fruitful as I thought it would. Somehow, a date got cancelled and it was never really made again. Do I feel anger towards the girl? My question is why should I? The poor girl probably doesn’t know how I feel. She probably thinks I have forgotten like those other guys. She may have moved on to someone else. But I was never hers in the first place. Someone told me that I should question the girl but why should I? She has done nothing wrong and if she has gone with someone else then I am happy. I am content because in these past few days, I have fallen in deeper love with my own self. Not in an egoistic sense but a spiritual sense.
This is the problem of many guys out there. They feel that rejection is the end-all. I don’t believe it is. I don’t even think that poor girl I asked for a date has rejected me. In fact, me and her probably have more comfortability because I am understanding. Normal guys do not understand. For some reason, they feel that they have been betrayed. If someone is not yours then there is no betrayal. And no one can ever betray you anyway because no one will ever be yours. Betrayal is in the psychological mind. I will talk more on the psychological mind of betrayal on another date.
In fact, what I can say is that now there is comfortability within myself and own self. I feel that I don’t need to be in a relationship. The need of sex is necessary and obviously I am open to that. Why should I ignore or repress my sexual needs? But one does not need to be in a relationship for that. I just want to feel a connection that is all. It does not have to be sexual either. I just need a connection. I have a few friends, very few friends who I feel a connection with. With whom I show my true self to. And I am not a great person, I am full of flaws and contradictions! I can’t promise you that what I write tomorrow will support what I write today. It may be different. This is the beauty of being your own self.
My friend today asked if I am writing ‘Rahulism’. Of course. I am my own being, if you like me, then you follow ‘Rahulism’. But mark my words, what I write is not profound and it is nothing new. It has been shared many of times by other people. But those people were ignored, now it is my turn to make sure they are eventually heard.
Stay blessed with compassion,
Rahul N Singh