In a reflective mood tonight,
To check where I am at the end of 2016,
Another year has whizzed by,
With it blessings and losses,
The blessing is my marriage,
The loss is the Guru that I loved more than anything,
Snatched away in a moment,
Without a glimmer of hope of survival,
The One whom I still feel is alive
Would appear lifeless in the month of May.
I want to say that this year has been great,
But that would be a lie,
The aloneness I feel is not ordinary,
It seems like I have been forced into it,
I have had the aloneness look at me,
And I give in to it and the darkness is embraced.
Then I have a beautiful wife,
Who is like an angelic light
Who whispers to me that I am never alone,
And I smile and feel okay on the surface,
With the Light entering the roots of my mind eventually.
The tears that I shed contain my sadness and happiness,
The joys of being with someone who reminds me of Him,
Then the sadness of realising He is no longer here,
Although the presence of our Satguru is everywhere,
It can never be destroyed or even created,
It is transferred in every moment,
From one cell to one universe,
It is difficult to not be able to hear a response,
To have a hug and forget my troubles,
To have that one glance where our eyes meet,
I will know in that instance that God is here,
And I miss this interaction more and more everyday.
I may be lost today and trying to find my feet,
I may try to live in a reality where You are here,
Baba ji, it is not easy being without You,
For me a Guru is never born nor dies,
That is why I cannot understand this ‘death’,
You are aliveness and Fullness,
You are Formless and Boundless,
You are the Soundless Sound,
You are the Gateless Gate,
In 2017 this is what I need to reawaken,
I know where I am failing,
And that is where I will be picking myself up,
2016 has been a lesson not a defeat,
And 2017 will be lessons learned.
In the early morning of Friday 13th May 2016, at 6:00am in the morning, I was informed of some news that will break my world into pieces. Upon hearing about the death of my Spiritual Master, my Satguru Baba Hardev Singh ji, my world turned upside down and this incredible void, this vast void filled my world that once was full of positivity and meaning.
I know all about the theory of death and what happens, I know the theories of the soul and everything else but what I was not ready for was the death of such a loving, humble, caring and sweet human being so suddenly. Lovingly referred to as Baba ji, was a spiritual giant, ahead of His times and one who had a clear vision about what He wanted to see in the world.
I have been sitting up at night, wondering during the day of how to expose and get over this grief effectively. How can I recover from the pain that this death has caused me? I know that the only way is to write and therefore, I am putting all my writing projects on hold and will work tirelessly on a new project. This will be about my journey as I go through this grieving process. Here in this moment, theories are put aside and I want to let out the pure human emotions and explore this.
I don’t know when this book will release or what it will entail but it will be my gift to His message. The death of Baba ji is not about the body going, it is about the message that He gave that was unheard. We thought we heard sounds through a microphone but really we had muted His words so we can live as we wanted to live. We were happy with causing pain to others, playing politics, having our own agendas and we felt that just because we said He was our Guru, it meant that we accepted His message.
I feel this void right now, I am struggling to connect spiritually and I feel absolutely lost. But this is what Baba ji told me to always do, be creative. There must be something in this and I will write to my heart’s content to revive those feelings again that made me love life so much, that love that filled my life with bliss and joy. Bliss and joy is still there but it seems my mind doesn’t want to accept it. My mind is grieving a personal loss through an extreme tragedy. He shouldn’t have taken Himself away from us like this but how can I question and even scold the amazing man, who did His best and more than His best to awaken us all out of slumber.
This was only a post to announce this new project and I pray to this Formless Nirankar that I may channel all my pain and grief into inspiration and hope. May this book also help others who have lost a Guru, it doesn’t matter which Guru you have, losing a Guru is something we can relate too and this relating will bring about spiritual harmony.
The one thing I want to add is that I am happy that Baba ji gave us a successor to this Mission. Her Holiness Satguru Mata ji is now the one that holds the key to the Divine Wisdom (Brahm Gyan) that gives enlightenment to any seeker. My salutations at Her holy feet and may I serve Her just like I served Baba ji and also exceed that too.