The one thing about being a writer is that even if you have moved on from something, you will be dragged back into that headspace. You always have to give an experience to the reader or the listener and to do this you have to give them the emotions that you had during the time.
As I look to start writing my poetry book based on my memories, experiences with Baba ji, my Beloved Spiritual Master, I know I have to go back in time and feel the exact pain that I felt then and still deal with the feelings I have now. This is the way I write my poetry and therefore, it is not necessarily that what I write is about how I feel right now but it can be about a feeling I had 5 years ago or 5 days ago.
This is going to be tough and it will get tougher while I write what I feel and how I felt, how emotional each experience, memory holds and it is in this space that I have to gather spiritual stability, to maintain that witness within me and let everything flow naturally.
We all face challenges and this book is one of them. I decided today that this book will be the last book of the trilogy, of which two books have been released already. It marks the end of the Master-Disciple relationship of Rahul and Hardev. Baba ji will always be my Beloved and it is Him that I seek all wisdom from. I want to see Him in everything and find that all ways are His beautiful ways.
Each day is tough in dealing with this loss and it never gets easy. What helps is the love and care that you get at home. I let out a lot of what I feel through writing and being in the present moment but what is experienced will always be empty and silent eventually. This emptiness will have His fullness and this silence will have His harmony. At the moment, I may be getting signs of it but He never lets any of His disciples down. All I have to do is be in synchronicity with Him.
My tears have been flowing as I remember how much He gave to me and what He gave can never be repaid for several more lifetimes but I have to repay it in this lifetime. This means I have to work several times harder to reach the goal that He gave us – which was to be enlightened, divine beings.
I will start writing tonight and all I wish for is that you all give me your good wishes and blessings.
Satguru’s love and blessings
In the early morning of Friday 13th May 2016, at 6:00am in the morning, I was informed of some news that will break my world into pieces. Upon hearing about the death of my Spiritual Master, my Satguru Baba Hardev Singh ji, my world turned upside down and this incredible void, this vast void filled my world that once was full of positivity and meaning.
I know all about the theory of death and what happens, I know the theories of the soul and everything else but what I was not ready for was the death of such a loving, humble, caring and sweet human being so suddenly. Lovingly referred to as Baba ji, was a spiritual giant, ahead of His times and one who had a clear vision about what He wanted to see in the world.
I have been sitting up at night, wondering during the day of how to expose and get over this grief effectively. How can I recover from the pain that this death has caused me? I know that the only way is to write and therefore, I am putting all my writing projects on hold and will work tirelessly on a new project. This will be about my journey as I go through this grieving process. Here in this moment, theories are put aside and I want to let out the pure human emotions and explore this.
I don’t know when this book will release or what it will entail but it will be my gift to His message. The death of Baba ji is not about the body going, it is about the message that He gave that was unheard. We thought we heard sounds through a microphone but really we had muted His words so we can live as we wanted to live. We were happy with causing pain to others, playing politics, having our own agendas and we felt that just because we said He was our Guru, it meant that we accepted His message.
I feel this void right now, I am struggling to connect spiritually and I feel absolutely lost. But this is what Baba ji told me to always do, be creative. There must be something in this and I will write to my heart’s content to revive those feelings again that made me love life so much, that love that filled my life with bliss and joy. Bliss and joy is still there but it seems my mind doesn’t want to accept it. My mind is grieving a personal loss through an extreme tragedy. He shouldn’t have taken Himself away from us like this but how can I question and even scold the amazing man, who did His best and more than His best to awaken us all out of slumber.
This was only a post to announce this new project and I pray to this Formless Nirankar that I may channel all my pain and grief into inspiration and hope. May this book also help others who have lost a Guru, it doesn’t matter which Guru you have, losing a Guru is something we can relate too and this relating will bring about spiritual harmony.
The one thing I want to add is that I am happy that Baba ji gave us a successor to this Mission. Her Holiness Satguru Mata ji is now the one that holds the key to the Divine Wisdom (Brahm Gyan) that gives enlightenment to any seeker. My salutations at Her holy feet and may I serve Her just like I served Baba ji and also exceed that too.