Words – spoken or written will never do justice to the most beautiful person I had ever known – Baba ji.
More than six months since He left His body, I feel the sadness, loss, pain increasing everyday.
I have never felt a loss like this due to the multiple relationships He fulfilled for me. I lost my best friend, my father, my uncle, my Satguru all in one go. I don’t know what to grieve for the most or where to even begin.
His sweet nature, His soft spoken voice, His language of respect, His expressions of compassion, His being that brought people of every background together was a reason for my existence and still is.
After the conclusion of the 69th Nirankari Sant Samagam in Delhi, India, I am left with deep regret and I feel disappointed in myself.
Baba ji never considered His own wellbeing, somehow Nature made sure that He was fine. Baba ji never considered His own family, somehow they managed to work around Him, all He cared about was taking the Truth to the Masses and allow people to attain liberation through the medium of God-Knowledge. His famous saying is self-realisation through God-realisation. Once we realised God, we know who we are. This is all that He lived for and He spent 36 years, sleeping for just 2-3 hours a day, travelling constantly just to awaken people like me.
Which leaves me to explain why I feel deep regret. I was never able to achieve my own expectations of being liberated whilst living and that while He was alive. I took His mortal existence to be Immortal and Eternal and this led me to take my spiritual life to be secondary and something that could wait. There was no sense of urgency for me. I did try to make it my primary reason for existence but I know that at times, instead of surrendering to what was happening, I kept worrying, I kept getting disturbed and ultimately it led to me letting Him down.
People tell me that I am ahead of them spiritually and it is a nice thing to say and even hear and I respect this opinion. However, I had my own expectations that were in line with Baba ji. He wanted my thirst for God, for enlightenment to be my everything. I had even glimpses of moments when my intensity for Truth was so much, my personal life took care of itself. My career controlled itself, it evolved by itself. I saw all this and yet I didn’t pursue this path of intense spiritual yearning. I let those glimpses remain glimpses, instead of signs that showed me what is about to arrive in my life.
His death has made me re-evaluate everything about life. Since He has died, I have got married, moved career paths but the one thing I didn’t evaluate as much as I thought I would have done on the 13th May, was my own spiritual journey. Despite knowing that Baba ji lost His life in the matter of a moment, I was still taking it easy. I was still putting spirituality in my life as a secondary thing. It remained my part-time lifestyle for when it suited me.
After the 21st November, I realised one thing. I can go in any moment, Death is always waiting.
The other thing I realised, I let Baba ji down. If only I could have been the disciple He was looking for, maybe I could have kept Him alive, given Him a reason to continue instead of bringing such a change in tragic events. I have always believed an enlightened being can decide their death and for someone like Baba ji, it goes without question. I feel personally responsible for not giving Him an alternative choice and I am not saying that every devotee of Baba ji should feel the way I feel, the question should definitely occur in us about what are we going to do following from this tragedy.
I see that I have no choice now, actually I didn’t have a choice before. I wanted a Satguru, I found Him and I knew His expectations. I know what He wanted. I don’t have a choice. Everything in my life has to let my spiritual journey take it’s place as my primary source of joy and everyday living. The thing is I have surrendered and I can’t think about my needs or wants. I have full faith that I will commit to my worldly responsibilities with just as much passion but it will never be at the detriment to my spirituality.
To complete the spiritual journey, I will have to put it first and put it into practice. I will have to focus more on being aware of the Formless One. This will have to be done whilst I complete the responsibilities I have. This is about sacrifice. I may have to put things on hold, not give as much attention as I can to certain aspects of life but it is all worth it. It is only when one has achieved the purpose of life can they truly be of value to others.
What Baba ji did for me, I can never pay Him back in hundreds of lifetimes, it will never be enough and this regret overwhelms me and I want to pay back this debt if I can.
I’m sorry Baba ji, I deeply regret not being fully enlightened in Your lifetime. You were the best thing and continue to be the best thing about my life. If I didn’t have these beautiful memories of You, my life would not be worth living. Thank You for giving us a new Satguru and I pray that I can in Her presence reach my potential – a brahm gyani – an enlightened being.