Words – spoken or written will never do justice to the most beautiful person I had ever known – Baba ji.
More than six months since He left His body, I feel the sadness, loss, pain increasing everyday.
I have never felt a loss like this due to the multiple relationships He fulfilled for me. I lost my best friend, my father, my uncle, my Satguru all in one go. I don’t know what to grieve for the most or where to even begin.
His sweet nature, His soft spoken voice, His language of respect, His expressions of compassion, His being that brought people of every background together was a reason for my existence and still is.
After the conclusion of the 69th Nirankari Sant Samagam in Delhi, India, I am left with deep regret and I feel disappointed in myself.
Baba ji never considered His own wellbeing, somehow Nature made sure that He was fine. Baba ji never considered His own family, somehow they managed to work around Him, all He cared about was taking the Truth to the Masses and allow people to attain liberation through the medium of God-Knowledge. His famous saying is self-realisation through God-realisation. Once we realised God, we know who we are. This is all that He lived for and He spent 36 years, sleeping for just 2-3 hours a day, travelling constantly just to awaken people like me.
Which leaves me to explain why I feel deep regret. I was never able to achieve my own expectations of being liberated whilst living and that while He was alive. I took His mortal existence to be Immortal and Eternal and this led me to take my spiritual life to be secondary and something that could wait. There was no sense of urgency for me. I did try to make it my primary reason for existence but I know that at times, instead of surrendering to what was happening, I kept worrying, I kept getting disturbed and ultimately it led to me letting Him down.
People tell me that I am ahead of them spiritually and it is a nice thing to say and even hear and I respect this opinion. However, I had my own expectations that were in line with Baba ji. He wanted my thirst for God, for enlightenment to be my everything. I had even glimpses of moments when my intensity for Truth was so much, my personal life took care of itself. My career controlled itself, it evolved by itself. I saw all this and yet I didn’t pursue this path of intense spiritual yearning. I let those glimpses remain glimpses, instead of signs that showed me what is about to arrive in my life.
His death has made me re-evaluate everything about life. Since He has died, I have got married, moved career paths but the one thing I didn’t evaluate as much as I thought I would have done on the 13th May, was my own spiritual journey. Despite knowing that Baba ji lost His life in the matter of a moment, I was still taking it easy. I was still putting spirituality in my life as a secondary thing. It remained my part-time lifestyle for when it suited me.
After the 21st November, I realised one thing. I can go in any moment, Death is always waiting.
The other thing I realised, I let Baba ji down. If only I could have been the disciple He was looking for, maybe I could have kept Him alive, given Him a reason to continue instead of bringing such a change in tragic events. I have always believed an enlightened being can decide their death and for someone like Baba ji, it goes without question. I feel personally responsible for not giving Him an alternative choice and I am not saying that every devotee of Baba ji should feel the way I feel, the question should definitely occur in us about what are we going to do following from this tragedy.
I see that I have no choice now, actually I didn’t have a choice before. I wanted a Satguru, I found Him and I knew His expectations. I know what He wanted. I don’t have a choice. Everything in my life has to let my spiritual journey take it’s place as my primary source of joy and everyday living. The thing is I have surrendered and I can’t think about my needs or wants. I have full faith that I will commit to my worldly responsibilities with just as much passion but it will never be at the detriment to my spirituality.
To complete the spiritual journey, I will have to put it first and put it into practice. I will have to focus more on being aware of the Formless One. This will have to be done whilst I complete the responsibilities I have. This is about sacrifice. I may have to put things on hold, not give as much attention as I can to certain aspects of life but it is all worth it. It is only when one has achieved the purpose of life can they truly be of value to others.
What Baba ji did for me, I can never pay Him back in hundreds of lifetimes, it will never be enough and this regret overwhelms me and I want to pay back this debt if I can.
I’m sorry Baba ji, I deeply regret not being fully enlightened in Your lifetime. You were the best thing and continue to be the best thing about my life. If I didn’t have these beautiful memories of You, my life would not be worth living. Thank You for giving us a new Satguru and I pray that I can in Her presence reach my potential – a brahm gyani – an enlightened being.
3 months ago, a world that was full of colour turned dull, a life full of light turned into darkness in just one moment. All that remained was the observer in me – the watcher was untouched by the sadness and grief that struck my mind and my whole world was shattered. I didn’t know where to look, what to feel, what to say, what to do. I was lost in a world that didn’t make sense anymore. That is what happens when you have surrendered everything to someone – to a Spiritual Master.
After surrendering to Baba ji (my Spiritual Master) I didn’t have to think about anything in my life. I knew that it was in safe hands and still is despise His demise. I know that He has made sure my life will be comfortable and He must have given me all the strength to continue until my body decides that it has run its course on this Earth. However, there was certainly a sense of stability and comfort knowing that Baba ji was alive in His form, you felt safe knowing that if you had an issue then you could see Him. It was His approachability that made Him our everything and today, it is that very approachability that myself and others miss and seek.
My life has taken a turn where I am struggling to cope with this loss. It is no normal bereavement. It is one of excruciating pain where even the Observer, the Witness, the God within us understands the soul’s pain in losing the One who gave it so much joy, happiness and celebration. I always have this image of my soul crying, all alone in the universe, searching frantically for Baba ji. It is lost and doesn’t know what to do. I don’t think losing Baba ji is something I wanted so early on in my life.
How can I explain that God had showed me God? How can I explain that it was God that showed me how to be human? How can I explain to others that God had shown me how to become God Himself? And now this very God, the one we all worship regardless of our different paths had now left His mortal form. Can you imagine the pain of a devotee losing Krishna, Buddha, Kabir, Rumi and other Great Spiritual Masters whilst they were alive? You just don’t want to imagine it but today that imagination that I avoided is now my reality.
The only reason I am living is to write His praises, to write about how loving He was and to give the world now and in the future – the story of Rahul and Hardev. It is not that I want to die tomorrow or even right now. I don’t want to die until it is the right time but I can’t stop expressing the pain that I feel and it is not wrong to feel this pain. I have lost my breath and I am suffocating and drowning and I am only beginning to swim again. It feels like I have just been born again and have to start life all over again. This is not easy when you are left without the Beloved. I wonder if I trip or fall, will I be saved? Will someone pick me up?
As this struggling heart continues on the path towards liberation, I know that we have Satguru (Spiritual Master) in a new form and we have to surrender to Mata ji with the same zeal and enthusiasm that we did for Baba ji. It will have its own challenges but we can see through it. It does not mean we will not grieve for Baba ji, the tears will always flow and we will only be telling others about the legend of Hardev – the sweetest, caring and compassionate Guru. In a world spread with turmoil, suffering, hatred, intolerance and jealousy, we will know of a man that defied those values and became an embodiment of peace, love, humility, tolerance, forgiveness and compassion. We lived and walked alongside this legendary being.
His one smile was always something that we all longed for whenever He was going to visit us, wherever that may be in the world, but I know for sure that Mata ji will give us the same loving smile. She did this for me the day after Baba ji’s funeral. It was something that I needed and I also need that right now. I seek the glimpse of the Satguru to give comfort to the pain that my heart feels for my Beloved. As a devotee, I have full trust in Mata ji and all devotees of Baba ji have to support Her vision.
On the note of forgiveness, we all know that Baba ji had left His mortal form in a car accident. That is exactly what it was – an accident. The quicker that we can accept this, the better it will be for our own advancement. I have only seen this as an accident and have placed no blame on anyone. The point is that I knew Baba ji told us to think with a broad mind. We all say that a leaf cannot move without Satguru’s grace but have some of us just said it to meet our own egoic needs? Satguru does all and we cannot become judges of what happened and who should be guilty or not. I find it incredibly inconsiderate to do so. Baba ji only told us to love and forgive and if we cannot do that for our brothers, our family then what tribute can we ever possibly pay to the Satguru who sacrificed His whole life to put a smile on our faces. Those in the car are also grieving like we are. The quicker we forgive and welcome them in our hearts then we can concentrate on our own grieving process with the right mindset and focus.
Our Beloved Baba ji was overflowing with love for us all and we need to be the same. He wasn’t the best human being for His own praise, far from it. He wanted us all to be like Him – hold the same values and become those very spiritual values. We can never let go of the target He set for us, we have to remain focussed. I miss Him loads and I am struggling but the more I am the observer, the more I allow light to enter my dark world. The more I am in the present, the more I feel His love and presence. It is in the connection, focus and merging with the Formless that we see Baba ji again. Every day, I do meet Baba ji and I receive His love, I touch His feet and receive that warm embrace of His. This can be our way, and I need to surrender my struggle to Satguru Mata ji. I will trip and fall but She will pick me up. I will always miss Baba ji and I will still write about it because we are all sharing this grief collectively, but we have to at the same time, side by side, bring the message of Truth everywhere. And the message will always be in our thoughts and actions. Be aware, observe and be.
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With Satguru’s love and blessings,